Ancestor Worship

As a member of a family with generations of abuse and deep dysfunction, I found the idea of ancestor worship downright uncomfortable. I didn't like the idea of giving offerings, or even acknowledging positively, the people who were responsible for how broken my family is. But now, with my Tutu's* passing, I think I finally get it.

I had almost no relationship with Tutu. She and my father (her son) had a falling out when I was 4; I've seen her once, and haven't spoken to her since. By the time I got in contact with my aunt and uncle, she was in the advanced stages of Alzheimer's. All I knew were the stories I was told about her, both from my dad's childhood and the present.

Aside from the alcholism, being a victim and enabler of abuse, being an abuser herself and what can only be described as batshit insane, aside from the fact that she led a really shitty life, my Tutu was an incredibly stubborn and persistent woman. She dealt with half a dozen moves in almost as many years, the death of her firstborn at 5 days old (Leslie, which you may have noticed in Evelyn Rose Leslie), the death of her 4th child at 20, the incarceration of her 5th, and being abandoned by her husband after raising 5 children almost to adulthood. Just looking at the major events of her life, no wonder she was insane. But you have to be just about the embodiment of perseverance to survive all that.

So that's what I've been focusing on, her perseverance. The sheer strength that made her live through all of that, not unscathed, but still there. This perseverance that allowed her to survive all that, and in the end to simply not die. She was dealing with Alzheimer's for 11 years, and lived far longer than anyone expected. Even when her hospice nurses were saying she wouldn't make it through the weekend, she lasted until (I think) Wednesday.

The ancestor worship has allowed me to intellectualize her, but in that way I see her as a person. By her becoming the abstraction I can see her for who she was and not just for what she did. I can look past the terrible things and see the underlying traits that are worthy of at least respect, if not admiration. Ancestor worship has taught me how to personally heal part of the rift with my family, and softened some of the anger. This doesn't mean I'm going to try to resume a relationship with my parents or call up my uncle the murderer, but I feel less of a hole and less bitterness.

I guess I'm trying to say that it's given me some perspective.

*Tutu is 'Grandma' in Hawaii, where my dad grew up.

Things on my mind

-Trying to get my head screwed on straight. With the whole PPD thing, I've been taking it day by day. Friday was bad, Saturday and Sunday were good. Today, so far, has been good.

-Fire is good. Friends are good. Fire and friends are better :) We had a bunch of people over for s'mores this weekend, which was oddles of fun.

-I'm happy that the public option passed the house, but unbelievably pissed about the Stupak Amendment. To the point that I've now vowed to vote third party until the ERA passes. Hey, I've managed to keep my last random political vow (to not refer to myself as an American as long as America openly engages in torture).

-Evie's finally figured out the concept of mobility. She's known how to roll over since 7 and 10 weeks, but just this past weekend figured out how to use it to get to places, and is now rolling CONSTANTLY. Like, seriously, in the middle of diaper changes she'll roll over in place. I put her down for a moment and invariably she'll be rolled over. It's just cute, and fun.

-She's also making progress in the crawling department. She can put her butt in the air like a champ, get on her knees, and get on her hands. She can't do all of this at once, but she's getting there.

-The husbandman has an ingrown toenail, and is looking at surgery late this week or next. Just, ugh. I feel so bad for him.

-OMG Thanksgiving and Giftmas are just around the corner! Thankfully we mostly have Giftmas shopping done.

-Still mulling over this Brighid SIG, and will probably submit the application this week. Lots to think about there.

Phases and stages

I find it rather interesting that Daylight Savings Time ended precisely as the Dark Half of the year began. The early sunset is getting to me, but it always does. And I've once again entered a gregarious phase.

For whatever reason I tend to alternate every month or so between being energetic, active, inspired, social, ambitious to reclusive, thoughtful, hesitant, and isolated. It'd shock you that the latter phase coincides with a depressive period.

Between therapy, better nutrition and just generally taking care of myself I feel like I'm out of (this stage of) postpartum depression. Hopefully it lasts.

I also have a new project! I've probably mentioned before that I'm a a member of ADF. For the past few months there's been an informal Brigid flamekeeping group, which we're not talking about turning into a "special interest group" or SIG. That means we'd have official ADF approval and become more formally organized.

Guess who's leading this venture.

So there's this new group that is dedicated to the worship of Brigid and we're going to jump onto the bandwagon started by Three Cranes Grove and create an Order. This would be a devotional and training system based on the aspects and symbolism of Brigid, primarily in her Celtic expression, but possibly including her pan-IE relatives (like Gabija, and Minerva). We have nothing beyond that, and hope for the Order program to grow out of the flamekeeping and research activities of the SIG.

I'm really excited about this. I've been frustrated with my grove for a few years now, for a lot of reasons I won't go into, and it seems I'm finally getting the opportunity to create the religious community I've always wanted. Woo hoo life goal being realized, if slowly!

This is Halloween!

In about 3 hours we gave out over 1000 pieces of candy to 297 trick-or-treaters. Why yes, my neighborhood rocks. And of course, the long awaited pictures :)





That costume is almost entirely handmade, by the way :) I even interfaced and faced the hat so it didn't look like the floppy sunhat it was.

I LOVE HALLOWEEN!

SO true

From Pandagon

The dynamic between men and women is still one where men get to unapologetically express preferences, and women accommodate and only feel right expressing preferences if they don’t step on anyone’s toes.

Fundamentally, men expect to be listened to, heard, acknowledged, and often agreed with. Women, on the other hand, don't. This dynamic has informed almost all of my interactions with my husband and has been causing me a lot of stress lately. Thankfully we've talked about it, he's backing down some, acknowledging his faults, and I'm stepping up more.

It's not perfect, but already we're more equitable than we were a week ago. Yay progress!

Do what works

While I'm nominally a part of that whole crunchy hippy granola attachment parenting movement, my ultimate philosophy is to do what works.

We have a cosleeper which hasn't been getting much use lately since I've become totally comfortable with co-sleeping. Now, Evie's teething, and we haven't been sleeping. I was just about literally going insane after 3 days of little sleep.

So I plopped her in the co-sleeper. 5 hours. FIVE. SOLID. HOURS. I haven't felt this good in, well, a week, but it's been a particularly shitty week so this is amazing!

Apparently my little girl just needed her own space. She's growing up so fast.

Also, teething sucks. Just so you know.

Before and After

Before:







After





Before



After



Bonus! Evie belching!